The Beginning

I've never had a blog before and feel like I'm stumbling into this blindly. I guess I formed this to have an outlet to express myself. Last night, just days before our 20 month anniversary, my boyfriend broke up with me. We have been having problems from the get-go. I am an emotional wreck and need to seek help. He is a strong-minded individual who would be happy just being a hermit (self proclaimed). I have been promising for the duration of our relationship that I would seek help and work on becoming a solid individual. Those promises were empty. I made half-hearted attempts at self-betterment, but any stride forward was matched and even surpassed by a fall backwards. I suffer from high anxiety, social anxiety disorder, depression, and low self-esteem, all self-diagnosed. He left for grad school in July and I saw him for the first time since in October. I went expecting a fun and carefree weekend with the man of my dreams, but ended up souring it by accusing him daily of cheating on me. His best friend at school is a pretty, thin, motivated girl with glasses (all fitting his archetypal gal). I however am an obese undergrad, with glasses, bad skin, and emotional baggage. I guess the hardest part is that he more-or-less led me on. He explained during every fight that he wanted me to change, to become the strong individual that he thought that I was when we were friends. While he did this, he continued to enable me. He let me continuously use him as an emotional punching bag. Now he has yanked that away from me and told me that he has been unhappy from the beginning. Unhappy beginning? Why did it take 1 year and 8 months for this to surface? I guess my main problem with it is that he decided to care about himself and took action all at once. He didn't ween me off; he just ripped me from my love source. My standing with my family has always been rocky (I come from an abusive household and only recently has my mother even feigned an interest). While she is trying now and I am willing to join her in forging a relationship, my boyfriend felt differently. He was a "one chance" kind of guy with them and has now adopted that outlook towards me. He wants to remain friends and be a part of my life, but I don't know if I can do that. I want to, but at the same time I don't just to make him feel even an iota of how much this has hurt me. I cried "wolf" too many times and now that I actually mean it, it's too late. He said that he would like to have a relationship with me once I am the strong individual that we both want me to be, but how do I know that he'll still be there? I am not changing for him, I'm changing for myself, but a relationship with him is definitely an incentive and motivating source. He said that he can't guarantee that he would still be there, but that he would like to be. It seems, however, as though he is already searching for someone else. I have upped my therapist visits and am really going headfirst and strong into this therapy. I honestly want to be a better person. I just don't know how to cope with this break up. This is the man with whom I was planning on spending my life. He even stated that he would marry me, the man who no one would ever expect talks of marriage from. I just don't know how to get past these next few days. Everything that I've read says to look towards your friends for support, but he was my friend. He was my only friend. I am not good in social situations and therefore even meeting him was a shock. I am just alone. I need help getting through these insurmountable feelings of despair and loneliness.